Medical News TIC (tongue in cheek)

Medical Breakthrough
Wickford, RI September 24, 2005

In a stunning and unprecedented surgical procedure begun in 1993, when McDonald's was successfully sued for scalding an 81 year old woman who spilled hot coffee on herself, members of the American Surgical Society of Lawyers (ASSoL) have at last, successfully removed "accident" from the English language. The 'patient' was not even aware that the operation, known technically as an accidentectomy, had taken place but the word has been effectively rendered non-functional and useless and is expected to shrivel up and fall off by itself shortly.

Lawyers have conclusively proven that there is really no such thing as an 'accident'. Every unexpected, unpredictable event, if it has or might cause pain, inconvenience or even embarrassment to a person or persons, or their heirs, now or in the future, must be compensated for.

There must always be someone at fault, to blame and to punish. For everything. In short, there are no accidents and someone must pay.

In a related story, "personal responsibility" is becoming redundant and, like tonsils or troublesome wisdom teeth, is scheduled for eventual removal. Additional candidates for future removal due to infrequent use include:

integrity
patience
honesty
altruism
courtesy

But maybe it's just me.